The Troubles
Thursday, May 5, 2011 at 2:56PM The trouble with solitude, is that I like it too much. If I get some, I want more. It's too easy for me to drift off and forget how to talk. I'm a genius at watching from the edge of the crowd. I know how to disappear like a pro.
But in this past year, I've found myself at odds with my need for solitude. My process as a writer has grown a different set of needs and wants. I found other writers. I found people who opened my eyes to new ways of seeing what I do and who gave me encouragement and motivation to try harder. I've watched people I admire put the time and effort into growing their skills, and then throw themselves out there with will and purpose. Their success inspires me greatly. Their kindness towards other writers inspires me no less.
The trouble with perfection, is that it can be selfish and mean. It takes something fine and good and runs it into the ground for merely being fine and good. There's a difference between having high standards, and strangling the runts. Wanting to spend my life creating and becoming more accomplished is healthy. Wanting everything I do to be brilliant is arrogant and very tiring.
I know some brilliant people. Artists with so much natural talent it just makes your jaw drop. Deeply troubled, deeply angry people whose creative gifts are withering on the vine. Because nothing is ever good enough.
They've inspired me, too. I've learned from the ghost of future yet to come. I'm doing my level best not to turn into an angry strangler. I figure a good approach is to just feed and pet the runts and let them grow up wall-eyed or pigeon-toed or unexpectedly swan gorgeous, and keep in mind that I can't really take credit for all of it anyway.
Which brings me to, the trouble with ambition. There's always more to do and a better way to do it. Waiting until everything is just how I want it to be has often times left me unable to enjoy the here and now. For example, wanting to have a fancy, beautifully designed website that does a dozen different things made me forget why I needed a website to begin with. Because I'm a writer... (not a website designer) and I need to stay connected to other people.
So, while it is my ambition to develop a visually stunning blend of audio, art, photography and literature on my site, I don't want to lose touch with my readers, my friends and my peers. This simple stripped down site is the result of me hitting the reset button. It is a work in progress that will change, but in the meantime will serve to display my words and hopefully allow me to get back the sense of the connection I had going on six months ago.
I'm not going to go all hippy and ask for a group hug here. I just want you all to know I appreciate every damn thought you share with me. And I'm still here.
Oh, and Romeo sends his regards. We've come to an understanding. As long as I'm honest with him about it, he's agreed I can write about other people. The damn fool. He's got nothing to worry about, he's the one I always go home to.
So, what have you guys been up to? Got any news to share?
Reader Comments (14)
Your honesty is stunning; compelling in its stark self-knowing ferocity. Everything you write, you write so well. Even this. I've missed you around the joint; missed your amazing stories; missed your presence and your inspiration. I feel like one of the runts when I read your stuff but that's OK because I need to be inspired if I'm ever gonna be that swan. Welcome back!
What Cathy said...Glad to see you back!
Welcome back - I'm very glad to see you back.
That quest for the right words is always a tough journey, filled with moments of pleasure but many more hours of angst and aggravation....in the end, all that matters is that when you're done, you feel like you got it right. BTW.....love the stripped down version of your site. Love your stories and your words even more!
K
You're back!! Missed you, lady.
Cathy, you are no runt. You're one of the gleeful go-getters that inspires me. Harry and Icy, likewise! And Kevin, it was very strange and funny that you commented on that six month old post just as I was pushing this place live. Good to see you all.
Hi Pamela,
I loved reading this. Beautiful honesty. Being a writer in this era doesn't seem like we're writers some days. Yes, website designer! And blog-o-gossiper! And twitter-me-blue! Sadly, this has affected many writers for many of them have dropped off, suffered health issues (which for writers, stress plays a tremendous role in) or slowed gravely in production.
I think you nailed it all with this: "Waiting until everything is just how I want it to be has often times left me unable to enjoy the here and now. " This is so true about writing...and parenting...and all the other titles we carry. I've had a lot of mixed feelings about blogging, wondering why in the hell I continue to do it, but knowing that you did what I've wanted to do, and then missed it, is good knowledge to know.
Best of luck with your new outlook and your new site.
I've been up to this and that. We should talk tomorrow. What time does the apple take a bite out of you?
Hey Pamila,
I appreciate what you say here and it's what separates you from the crowd for me. Your honesty and the desire to be the best you can be. Erin, Angel, John W and I have all been discussing here and there the very topics you bring up here. Between website design, social networking, writing (!!!), reading (!!!) communicating with readers and dealing with life's hard hits, where the hell is the balance? I guess the answer is different for each of us individually and we all do the best we can. Happy to see you around. Missed you. ;-)
Erin and Jodi - yes. It's about the quest for balance. And the need for enough to be enough. But one of the best things to come out of my online traveling was meeting like minded writers and feeling a sense of fellowship. It's like being the strange, artsy outcast in a school of thousands, and then that one other strange kid transfers in and it opens up your world. Except now we have portals to all the strange kids everywhere. We can play with as many, or as few as we want. I think that's cool.
Mr. Funk, your pep talk was successful. I got my five hundred words in, on my lunch hour no less. Thanks.
That's a great reflection, Pamila. I too have struggled with the idea of letting people read pieces I knew were far from close of my "literary standards". When I created Randomities, it was a great leap!
Balancing writing with the other aspects of life is maybe harder than the usual dilemma of balancing the professional life with the personal one. That's because most writers already have a primary professional life to deal with, so the writing/reading/networking adds another element to the problem. I have no solution for that, but it's always important to ponder on it, so we can get closer to an ideal balance.
Can't wait for your next piece. A super welcome back! :D
I'm awful with solitude. Give me the internet and I can go weeks without human contact and not even think about writing anyone. I've been plugging away on a novel for most of this year, and in ways it's been a deep social hole. So easy to climb down inside and forget there's a topside. I feel you, Pam.
On the plus side, I got over my anxieties to write this novel by nailing down a few ironclad things that had to be right.
1. Lock the door.
2. Unplug the phone.
3. Buy a pizza.
Didn't leave until the first chapter was done, and set a pattern afterward.
Mari, I have a feeling that finding the balance will be a matter of constant readjustment. Figuring out a way to write and keep in touch with readers is a different challenge to me than it is for someone super well known like Mr. Gaiman, but I bet it is still a challenge to him. Even if your ship comes in, getting on a boat means you'll have to find your sea legs. I think with writers at my level it's more like finding my sea legs and learning to juggle chainsaws at the same time. OK, maybe not chainsaws. Wet rubber balls?
Keep right on plugging, John. Much as I've waxed pathetic here, I do have a big chunk of finished novel to show for my absence, and it's getting closer to done every day, so it's not all bad. Writers have to go off and write. The thing is, you've thrown up so much great work on your blog. I know that when you get your novel done, I want to read it. There's a point where the writing has to stand up for itself. Self promotion, blogging, social networking, all that can only do so much. The writing has to pull its own weight...
Where, oh where, are your voice recordings? I love the stark, clean look and feel but there is some content that I came to love that has vanished!
Joanne, you're so weirdly intuitive. I've been noodling around with how to put my voice recordings up on this site during the last few days. It's like you heard my unsuccessful attempts somehow and picked up on my frustration. This platform doesn't offer a really simple or elegant way to post audio clips and my patience for solving the challenge runs in short spurts. I'm working on it. You'll be hearing me soon.